Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender. Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little shit, O'Conner,' says Sean,'He couldn't do that to you,He must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had,And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself,Didn't you have something in your hand?'
'That I did,' said Paddy. 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast,And a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.'
========================
An Irishman who had a little too much to drinkis driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car's weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
'So,' says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've hadQuite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a s mile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straightand folding his arms across his chest,
'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk.'For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
============================================
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda.There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.' ' I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
'How did it happen, Tim?'
'It was terrible, Brenda.He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.'
'Oh dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth,
Did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'
==========================================================Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Gradyafter his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible.Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary? '
She say s, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' '
=========================================================================== =========
AND THE BEST FOR LAST< /U>
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few timesto get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles,'ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!
Don't get too big for your britches, your sure to be exposed in the end......
The reason it is so difficult to make ends meet is because someone is always moving the ends.
The easiest way to get into trouble is to be right at the wrong time..
A problem well stated is a problem half solved....
If you could kick the person responsible for most of your troubles in the backside, you wouldn't be able to sit down for two weeks..
The only people with whom you should try and get even are those who have helped you.
If your going to give someone a piece of your mind be sure you can spare it......
There are two things you generally don't want to watch being made-----One is sausages and the other is laws......
We hope this day brings smile your way, thanks for stopping by and have a nice day. BettyBoop alias Betty M
