Due to my history of morbid obesity, and recovery from morbid
obesity, I have a good deal of negative body image issues. I do not
find it easy to see myself as attractive, or even "easy on the eyes."
In unguarded moments I tend to regard myself as rather ugly. It does
not help that, having lost over 200 pounds, I have some excess flesh
that hangs in of ways from my frame. Some days are better than others.
Some days I can be more accepting of how I look, but my default state
is that I am physically unattractive.
But, the above is not the worst of it. There is a deeper, darker
aspect to negative body image that I did not understand until very
recently.
A few days ago I was walking from my living room, into the bedroom.
My wife's vanity faces the doorway I was using. It's a beautiful
vintage piece with a 3/4 mirror in center, and two half mirrors on
hinges to either side. On the night in question I was going into the
room fresh from my nightly shower, and was naked. Most days I don't
give the image in the mirror much of a glance, but this night it caught
my eye. The thought that flashed through my mind was, "How could anyone
find that attractive?"
That is the worst part of negative body image. Not finding myself to
be aesthetically unpleasing, but questioning the judgment of others.
Something inside tells me that there is something wrong with another
human being when they act as if, or say that they, find my body
attractive. I think that something must be either wrong with them, or
that they are lieing.
This is a terrible wedge that works its way into my relationships.
It makes it difficult, on a deep level, to authentically relate to
others, especially in potentially romantic, or physical ways.
I do not know how to approach rectifying this situation, but having
the presence of those doubts projected outwards on others is a step in
the right direction. Now I know, consciously, that this thought
structure is in place. The most obvious way to deal with it would be to
remove my negative body image completely. But, that is a hell of a lot
more easily said than done, as long years of experience has shown me. I
think that instead, I need to work and accepting the words and deeds of
others more. I pray for the willingness to believe that the reactions
of others are authentic.
One of the most long lasting scars from my youth about body image
was an incident with a neighborhood girl. I had long had a crush on
her, and everyone knew it. Especially her host of guy friends. One day
she came up to me and said, "I like you, Travis. I think you're cute,
you know, like a hippo." I remember the moment with crystal clarity. I
remember the fall of her features as she saw hoe my expression melted
from smile to numb and deep hurt. I recall hearing the snickers from
the gaggle of boys across the street. Later I figured that they must
have put her up to it. In the moment she saw how hurt I was and tried
to say something soothing, but I don't recall what she said. My world
had gone numb. Everything was a kind of dull roar. I have nearly
drowned several times in my life, and interestingly the roar in my ears
that day had the same quality of the roar you hear when drowning. I
must have stopped breathing. She wandered off and I went home in shock.
That moment has never left me. I forgive her for what she said. She
was a child, and being pressured from her peers, and like all children
afflicted with stupidity and cruelty. I own my reaction and know that
it is I who have carried it to today. I know it was just a single
moment in time, but it colors what I hear from others when they
intimate, or outright say, that they find me attractive. I am still
waiting for the joke to be reveled, for the hammer to drop.
At least the snarling beast is out in the open.
