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A Different Christmas Poem
The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.
The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
"What are you doing?", I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here.
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve.
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts,
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me."
"I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at ' Pearl on a day in December,'
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
"My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ' Nam ',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile"
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
"I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home."
"I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother."
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."
"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long."
"For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

Tags: SADMEANINGFUL

Oil Change instructions for
Women:
 
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since   the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
 
Money spent:
 
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
 
 
Oil Change instructions for Men :
 
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,
write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a
check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking   for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through o IL filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing
oil everywhere from holes.
Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.   Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.  Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.

25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid   crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32)Beer.
33) Lower car fr om jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply MO re kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed   steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
 
Money spent:
 
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
 
But you know the job was done right!
 
 

Tags: Funny Humor

Tags: Heartfelt.sad Mercyful

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm
broke!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a
damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this
morning."

What part of broke do you not understand?

Tags: FUNNY HUMOR

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/Hubby any more. She/He takes you to court and screws
you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!

Tags: FUNNYHUMOR

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

 

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

 

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

 

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

 

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

 

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

 

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

 

8) An Hourglass is Female because, over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

 

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

 

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you?

 

But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and, while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

 

 

Tags: Funny Thoughtful

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

  
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

  
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

  
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

  
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

  
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

  
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

  
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

  
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

  
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

  
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

  
16. You take naps.

  
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

  
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

  
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

  
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

  
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

  
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

  
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

  
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

  
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh S*$# what the hell happened?"

  
Bonus:

  
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

  

Tags: FUNNY

To Whom It May Concern:

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.

I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a 6 year old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money, because you can eat them.
I want to play kickball during recess and paint with watercolors in art.
I want to lie under a big Oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summers day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple.
When all you knew were colors, addition tables and simple nursery rhymes. But that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
When all you knew was to be happy because you didn't know all the things that should make you worried and upset.
I want to think that the world is fair. That everyone in it is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
Somewhere in my youth...I matured and I learned too much.

I learned of nuclear weapons, war, prejudice, starvation and abused children.
I learned of lies, unhappy marriages, suffering, illness, pain and death.
I learned of a world where men left their families to go and fight for our country, and returned only to end up living on the streets... begging for their next meal.
I learned of a world where children knew how to kill...and did.

What happened to the time when we thought that everyone would live because we didn't grasp the concept of death?
When we thought the worst thing in the world was if someone took the jump rope from you or picked you last for kickball?

I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and be overly excited by little things once again. I want to return to the days when reading was fun and music was clean. When television was used to report the news or for family entertainment and not to promote sex, violence and deceit.

I remember being naive and thinking that everyone was happy because I was.
I would walk on the beach and only think of the sand between my toes and the prettiest seashell I could find.
I would spend my afternoon climbing trees and riding my bike.

I didn't worry about time, bills or where I was going to find the money to fix my car.
I used to wonder what I was going to do or be when I grew up, not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out.

I want to live simple again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind and making angels in the snow.

I want to be 6 again.

Psycho Test

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.



A woman, while at the funeral for her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing! She fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him later. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her
sister? (Give this some thought before you answer). SCROLL DOWN.























Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly good for you. If you got the answer correct, please
let me know so I can take you off of my email list unless that will tick you off, then I'll just be extra nice to you from now on. Be sure to share the test.

Tags: Funny Humor