Viewing 19 - 27 out of 37 Blogs.

1. A genie pops out of a bottle and offers to grant you three wishes. What would they be (you can't wish for more wishes) and why?
1)
2)
3)


2. You are given four free tickets to your favorite sporting event...who do you take with you?

3. You have a chance to go backstage and meet any band of your choice - who do you choose?

4. If you could make $150,000 a year doing any job in the world, what would it be? Where would you want to live?

5. God visits you in a dream one night. In the dream He asks you exactly what you want in your lifetime companion - what traits do you tell God to put into the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with?

6. Looking back on your life thus far, what are some of your accomplishments that you are most proud of?

7. You are 65 years old, have been saving for retirement and now have the money to retire and live comfortably. What do you do with the rest of your life? Where do you live? Where do you go?

8. You win the Powerball lottery of $360 million dollars. Do you take the lump sum amount of approximately $190 million or do you take the payout of approximately $1 million a month for the next 30 years?

9. What do you want to accomplish in the next 5 years? Where do you see yourself at that time?

10. You win a contest and get to choose any destination in the world to visit for 2 weeks, all expenses paid. Where do you go?

Tags: Think

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to city Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too!" Then I said, "But this is for a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny -- I have the same problem."

One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal anymore."

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "This courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said "That's not unusual. It happens to a lot of people."

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex.

My case comes up Friday.

Tags: Humor Funny

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(Really???)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(I'm glad they cleared that up...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)

On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

Tags: Funny

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. In fact he was 1 shot ahead at the end of the seventh. They reached the eighth fairway and both players landed in a bunker. The old guy said "When I was your age I could put this in the hole 9 out of ten times". With this the old man just missed but putted out with his next shot. This infuriated the young man but to his unbelievable belief he holed it from the bunker and they were even. To himself he said that should shut him up.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

Tags: Funny

• A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
  
  
• A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
  
  
• A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
  
  
• A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
  
  
• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
  
  
• Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.
  
  
• Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.
  
  
• Celibacy is not hereditary.
  
  
• Familiarity breeds children.
  
  
• For adult education, nothing beats children.
  
  
• God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once.
  
  
• God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
  
  
• Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
  
  
• Having children will turn you into your parents.
  
  
• If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
  
  
• If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
  
  
• Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
  
  
• Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
  
  
• It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
  
  
• It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
  
  
• Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
  
  
• Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
  
  
• One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.
  
  
• You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have.
  
  
• Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
  
  
• The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
  
  
• There are three ways to get things done:
  
  
  
  
  
  1. do it yourself
     
     
  2. hire someone to do it
     
     
  3. forbid your kids to do it
  
  
  
• There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
  
  
• Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
  
  
• The best thing to spend on your children is time.

Tags: Funny

1 . Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales. (not Arbonne!)

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo DA Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time (hence, multi-tasking was invented.)

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with:orange, purple, and silver!

22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)

27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law,which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it

Tags: FUNNY

Term

Definition



486

The average IQ needed to understand a PC.



State-of-the-art

Any computer you can't afford.



Obsolete

Any computer you own.



Microsecond

The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.



G3

Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."



Syntax Error

Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."



Hard Drive

The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.



GUI

What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")



Keyboard

The standard way to generate computer errors.



Mouse

An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.



Floppy

The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.



Portable Computer

A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.



Disk Crash

A typical computer response to any critical deadline.



Power User

Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.



System Update

A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Tags: Computer Funny

In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.

And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.

And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.

And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big. And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.

And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.

But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?

And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.

And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows could replace it.

So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmers that it was good.

And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who said you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to!

And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.

And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmer's help.

And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors. and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password

Tags: Funny Haha

1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.
   
   
   
2. If you can't order it by midnight and have it delivered by noon the next day, it is just too slow.
   
   
   
3. Your Stockbroker's name ends in ".com"
   
   
   
4. A Blind date means chatting online with someone you haven't met before.
   
   
   
5. Keeping up with sports means having your favorite sports teams as Bookmarks
   
   
   
6. Most of your books are bought online. "Real world" bookstores are now prized as your favorite cafe to hang out, work and meet people of the opposite sex.
   
   
   
7. Your food in the refrigerator has been there so long some, that you have received a grant from the National Institute for Health to do germ research.
   
   
   
8. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their efficiency
   
   
   
9. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
   
   
   
10. You find you really need Power Point to explain what kind of work you do.
    
    
    
11. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
    
    
    
12. You apologize to your friends who didn't get holiday cards from you. "Sorry, I only sent "email cards" this year, you just didn't make the cut"
    
    
    
13. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
    
    
    
14. You get most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
    
    
    
15. You tried to enter your password on the microwave.
    
    
    
16. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
    
    
    
17. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
    
    
    
18. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
    
    
    
19. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"
    
    
    
20. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
    
    
    
21. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
    
    
    
22. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
    
    
    
23. Your daughter just bought a C.D. of all the records your college roommate used to play.
    
    
    
24. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.  
    
    
    
25. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking you to send her JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
    
    
    
26. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone IS home

Tags: Funny Haha