Viewing 10 - 18 out of 21 Blogs.

jay (hubby) passed out at work and we had to take him to the ER.. good
news is that he is fine.. bad news is we have no idea why he has been
getting so dizzy lately.. ugh..

 

a family friend died last sunday and i just now heard about it..
aparently he had gotten divorced since i had last seen him and the
funeral home was asking for donations to pay for his funeral since his
wife/ex wife wouldnt pay for it..

well i didnt get to make the funeral.. as you know my shoulders keep dislocating themselves a lot lately and well my chest muscle like started having knots in them (like the knots i get in my shoulders from my muscles going psycho on me) and you could not massage them out.. i started having small stabbing chest pains but it was on my right side and i could tell it was a pinched nerve from like the front of my to the back of my shoulder that was sliding out of place.. ok so that was annoying.. well i turned or moved while sitting and i dont know what the hell happened but my shoulder either hit the nerve good or another one i dont know but i just started screaming and crying.. and we are talking crying like uncontrollible hysterical crying.. jay didnt know what the hell to do for me since he was afraid if he touched me it would make it worse.. i could not move my arm at all without it sending me into MORE screaming.. even not moving it was to where i couldnt breathe without pain and this pain being like the worst pain i have felt in my life.. worse that when my hip dislocated and i fell to the floor with my hip all jacked up.. anyways finally i just like forced my shoulder to rotate as i was screaming and crying because i really didnt have anything to lose since yeah the pain was more but it was already unbearable as is.. and i felt a weird like pop.. a small one but then the pain stopped for the most part but i couldnt move my arm or it would feel like it was coming back.. so i had to hold my damn arm like it was in a sling and try to go to bed which laying down made it more painful but at least i could stand it.. it was only three hours till i would have to get up for the funeral and when i woke up i couldnt move my arm barely at all and had to still hold it as if it was in a sling.. well i was going to have to drive half if not all the 6 hours on the road so there was no way.. so i went back to bed since sleeping (if i could) was the only thing tht was helping and making me feel no pain since i dont have any pain pills that work and i didnt feel like drinking to relieve it since everything i do is with my right side.. so i slept till the pain went away which was 14 hours.. ugh.. but it freaked out jay bad because i NEVER cry over pain.. i am really good about it.. i have felt pain my whole life so i am used to it.. but when i went freaking hysterical and could not stop crying and screaming from pain he didnt know what to do.. he knew i was obviously  in more pain than he has ever seen me in.. so now i am awake and my arm feels funky.. my shoulder feels unstable like it could pop out at any time  so i am trying to not move it at all.. at least i can reach the pc keyboard and have a roller mouse so i dont have to move with that.. i finally lost that punched in the chest feeling  and so hopefully that is over with...

about the funeral..
my family, the preacher, two nurses and the guy that inherited everything were the only people to show up.. the nurses told my family that they were glad she was dead because she was horrible to them.. my mom thinks the same about me as why the pharmacist got everything.. she thinks she was tricked too.. and they are mad at my aunt even more because when she had called she had asked if they had gotten into the house and when they said no she laughed.. that could be interrupted so many freaking different ways that its not even funny but of course she was being evil so there is anotehr reason to hate her sigh.. i dont know.. i will talk  about it more later.. i am sick of thinking about it and trying to remember what i am forgetting

sigh.. where to begin.. well since the last post i waited till one pm
the next day and still had heard nothing from my family.. i call their
cell and nothing.. i was hoping to go down there today and so i was
irritated then i get a call and my bro is like "well i am not coming
back so if you want to go to the funeral you will have to just find it
yourself" i am like WHAT?!?!?!?! for one he was acting like i shouldnt
come at all with his attitude and for another i knew i was screwed in
getting there.. i make him put my mom on the phone and i told her i was
wanting to come down and help and she is like "well you cant help us in
the house because we havent even gotten in the house" and then my bro
got on the phone and said that



1. there was a will... hmmm does ANYONE listen to me?? at least my psychic stuff is back



2. they were told by cops and the lawyer to not set foot near the house or else because..



she left everything but her car to her pharmacist.. yes.. pharmacist..
the car was left to my brother.. so my dad the only child and one of
the only living relatives is getting nothing and this pharmacist is
inheriting every single thing.. we arent even allowed to go in and grab
pictures of the family even..



i told my mom that she should have freakin listened to me because i
knew something with the laws would screw them over.. and my family is
stupid and had already tried to get into the house.. ANYWAYS.. the
pharmacist had to GIVE my family money so that they could stay in a
hotel since they had no where to stay.. and that is a loan against the
car.. my bro cant even get the car to drive back for at least a week or
more till the will is read.. so that is why he wasnt coming back to
help me get there.. but of course he wasnt going  to tell me any of
this so he came off as an ass.. but UGH my aunt that they hate and i
just now know (jewell) had advised my grandmother to get a will.. and
since she had told her to do it everyone is accusing her of why my dad
is getting screwed.. umm.. every one that knew her told her to make a
freakin will so why are they blaming my aunt?? hell my aunt is the one
that told my parents what was going on and that she even had a will so
she was helping them which i think is more than they deserve.. and so
my bro who HATES my dads side of the famiyl went on for like 10 minutes
of b*tching about her (aunt) and i was like umm SHUT UP!!! he was like
ohhh they got together and she told her to not leave anything to dad
and blah blah blah.. umm.. ok.. if my aunt was so important and
influencial to my grandmother then she would have been left something
too.. but she has NOTHING either.. and aparently this will was made
last april.. and now my bro is convinced that my aunt is in cahoots
with this pharmacist and as soon as my family goes home that she is
going to come up and take everything.. *head to desk* when in doubt
blame my freakin aunt!! but like i said why would she be helping my
grandmother screw my dad over and not get rewarded at all?? she was the
closest person to her.. and i am surprised i wasnt left anything but i
really do not care.. honestly.. i am just glad i wasnt made the person
that had to sort out everything!! but aparently i was wrong (even
though i bet time will show i am not) that she didnt have any funeral
arrangements made.. so anyways my family is being treated like
criminals in this hick town and all of the church members or friends of
my grandmother wont even talk to my family.. since my family wanted to
ask who they were suppose to contact as far as everything goes (lawyer
etc) and so who knows what has been said about them.. all that they
keep getting is that they shouldnt go to her house or else.. now what i
wanna know is..



who the hell leaves their stuff to their pharmacist?? i dont know about
you guys but i have watched a lot of things about doctors and etc that
get old clients and suck up to them and gain their trust and manipulate
them to put them in their will and then either wait  it out or kill
them.. i think this is something like that.. and i am not thinking this
because my dad didnt get anything i am thinking this because if she was
goign to leave anything to anyone is would have been my aunt or a
church member.. not a pharmacist.. but what the hell do i know??



i mentioned this theory to my family and they say i am completely nutz
in thinking that that could even be a possibility.. (notice how i am
always crazy??) and that he is the only one treating them nice and is
honest up there.. well if i just inherited some one elses families
stuff i would be nice to them too!! this was the same guy they thought
had power of attorney that didnt..



so tomorrow i am going to go to the furneral.. yeah i am not gonna back
out.. i still dont have any bad feelings towards her.. yeah its messed
up but i seriously dont think she was in enough right mind to have
thought about it clearly.. we could  fight the will but that would just
screw up my dad mentally when everything would come out about god knows
what she had said and i dont think he could handle hearing it..



so this funeral will be a mess.. my family is going to be there with
all the people that hate them for whatever reason and i was given the
way out of it but i want to be there.. at least i can have gone to 1
funeral out of the three this last year.. but i am gonna have to listen
to every one attack my aunt and i know i will go off on them.. and with
me being an empath and gonna pick up on all the different emotions  and
im going to be a nut job by the end of it.. not to mention it will be
really real then...



my dad is supposively doing ok.. but i told everyone that he is bipolar
so who knows when/if that will change especially with all of this
inheritance thing.. he was wanting EVERYTHING because he is a spoiled
brat.. when i was up there with him she was giving me heirlooms and one
of them were these metal dogs that some one in our family had just made
and he started having a fit saying they were his and she had stole them
to begin with.. i about cried because of the position it put me in
since i am trying to gather things about his family since i dont know
them.. and i liked the dogs.. i ended up giving him one just to shut
him up..



ah anyways i gotta figure out how to go to bed early tonight haha.. and well i am tired of writing about this..

sigh.. where to begin?? well i stayed up even though i was headed to bed before i heard about my grandmother.. anyways i was staying up and we found out if jay could go on leave from work and my mom had promised me that as soon as she heard from this guy that supposively has power of attorny.. that was the last i heard at like 8:30 so i stay up till i had to take a nap for like 15 mins before the phone fixer dude came to fix my phone and i look at the time and i call my parents and no answer.. i call again no answer.. i call my moms cell and they are already on their way to my grandmothers without flippin telling me!! so i got pissed because i have to follow them there cuz i dont know how to get there.. and jay had to go to work within 45 minutes so obviously he had to know if he was going in or not.. and she had gotten ahold of the guy and he wasnt the power of attorny and the morgue had shipped the body to the local funeral home and they were wanting to know what to do with her.. my mom is a strong woman but she does NOT handle stress at all (where i got my probs from) so she was hoping it would just be me, her and my dad to go up there but my bro decided to get time off and take them and take over everything.. he is one that even if the situation has nothing to do with him he comes in and starts taking over crap and my mom lets him because then she doesnt have to stress as much and he wont let us talk to her to find out anything!! and if he went i cant go cuz of that horrible close call earlier this year with him going 90mph and almost slamming into a car on the road while not having his glasses on when he is blind as a bat (because god healed him so he doesnt need them.. my ass) and listening to his walkman... to avoid hitting the car we skidded off the road.. i was in the car and jay is like hell no you are not getting into the car with him again.. this is like the only thing jay has ever said he didnt want me to do so i am gonna actually obey that one since well.. one request in 9 years isnt bad =P anyways so i obviously couldnt go and then they decide to stay up there a week so that rules me out since i am running out of meds and well i just cant.. so that screwed me and her not even telling me that they were leaving to where we couldnt follow them screwed me and then they have the nerve to tell me i shouldnt even be irritated because i have no reason to be because i shouldnt care if i was included or not.. wtf.. i am always being told i am a psycho whenever i get freakin offended.. i am so sick of it.. anyways they are being COMPLETELY STUPID because they are assuming that she doesnt have a will and are going up there with no keys and going to break into her house and start looking for like documents and get her outfit etc.. WELL i have been told my whole life that she DID have a will and that it left everything to a relative (he's dead now though) and nothing to my dad even though he is an only child.. because she hates my dad.. at least that is what i have always been told.. hate your grandmother because she treats your dad horrid and is like mental etc.. ok she is freakin nutz.. and yeah she treated my dad like crap growing up but she hasnt done anything TO ME.. but i have been raised to hate her etc my whole life.. the last two years i have actually gotten to know her more since i was sick of not knowing my dads side of the family and i also contacted an aunt and uncle.. my aunt being some one i was not allowed to see because she was a witch.. hmm.. my dad, mom, and grandmother used to be witches.. but they became christians so they didnt want me near her.. well i have gotten to known her too and so i found out they arent horrible like my family says since my family claims that they would have get togethers and never invite them blah blah blah.. well i dont know if that is true or not but did my family make an effort on their side??? no.. and again this has nothing to do with ME.. so my grandmother decided i was her fav since i actually cared about the family and she has always liked me anyways so we bonded the last visit i had with her which my parents tried to ruin.. gr.. anyways my parents think that nothing would be left to my dad because he was the child she never wanted etc.. he didnt become what she wanted etc.. whether any of this is true i have no idea.. WELL.. i point out that she has a will and they are like saying i am lying.. umm.. no.. i have heard this all my freakin life!! so i know there is a freaking will some where up there and if she didnt leave anything to my dad and they go and break in up there and start going through her crap and the will is ever discovered they will look like they are stealing which is what my grandmother has accused my dad of before.. so um.. that is SO smart.. but again i am insane and have no idea of what i am talking about.. then i have always been told how my dads family are vulchures and whenever anyone dies they all run and start looting the place.. my bro and mom have said within this year that when she died they were gonna go up and change the locks so their relatives cant go take everything.. well i ask them if they were going up to stay there soon (this is before they didnt know anything besides the fact that she was dead)to protect her property and they accuse me of lying about that!! oh no they would never loot blah blah blah.. so aparently i am this pathalogical liar that is over emo and freakin insane.. ok i will give them over emo but i am an empath so i am gonna have extra emotions for everything.. and i am bipolar so i am crazy lol jk.. but i am not making up this crap!! so anyways they went up there with my moms cell and its battery died.. my other bro calls me freaking out because he knows less than me and he tohught my bro quit his job to go because my mom told him to just go to work because she knew i cant go with hima nd she wanted me to go.. and my bro has a habit of just quiting jobs for the hell of it and he pays half the mortgage etc and when he loses a job he waits MONTHS before he even looks.. so he is like in collections and living off of everyone else etc.. but he hadnt.. anyways my family is staying at a hotel which obviously means that they arent in the house.. and they assume she hasnt made any arrangements on where to be buried or etc.. well she has told my mom where she wanted to be buried and i know this because my mom was saying how she didnt know where it was etc.. but i imagined that too.. grrr.. so this is how i feel.. i am pissed (as pissed as some one can really be with their emotions all screwed to hell and not much sleep) at being left behind and my bro taking over.. pissed because my whole family is not caring at ALL what she wanted etc.. she wouldnt talk about dying but i know she had made plans and no one is even trying to find out if she did!! and like i said.. what if some one else is suppose to inherit everything?? my parents are up there just going through everything.. well i guess its a good thing i am not up there to have my finger prints on it lol.. my grandmother was close to my witch aunt so she could possible inherit everything.. oh and get this.. my family just *happen* to lose my witch aunts phone number and i lost it because my phone fried so she isnt going to be contacted.. i think they are only going to tell one person anyways which is crappy.. they always hated how they never knew when people died till two weeks later and they are doign the exact same thing.. in their minds they are the only ones that have any right to any of her things or to even be there.. so this is gonna put a strain on me and my relatives since they are gonna wanna know why i didnt tell them about it.. another thing is we know she is highly in debt which means they wont get any money out of the house once it sells.. my bro that is freakin isnt even going to go to the funeral!! he is the suposive perfect child that got me disowned as a teen and he isnt even going to the funeral.. he hasnt even seen her inlike 5 years.. umm.. ugh.. i am not even going to go further on that one..

so this whole thing is driving me nutz.. now jay has tomorrow off and i cant even get directions up there (unless i go by the web) and they would be to her house but if they arent there then what?? and they are not taking any ones phone calls and not calling anyone because my freakin controlling idiot brother has the phone.. the funeral is thurs and that is all i know.. i dont even know where.. and i have no idea if anyone from my family is coming back to where i can follow them up there..

the only good thing about this chaos is that its keeping my mind off the fact that yes she is dead.. i can just focus my attention at wanting to kick my family in the butt for their stupidity..

so in short.. i have been left out of everything.. dunno how to even get to her funeral because no one gives a crap about me since i am supposively lying about her wishes and telling them they shouldnt break the law.. my parents are going against everything she wants because the sooner she is in the ground the end of her is.. and my dad is happy as hell he is rid of her.. hell i think i am the only one that is upset she is dead..

i am just waiting for me to fall apart again.. although all of you guys have been great to me with all your comments and emails.. i hope to thank all of you guys individually but i dont know if i will be able to since so many of you guys responded and i have no idea what the next couple of days hold for me.. and i have a great ability to fall apart.. then be ok.. then fall completely apart into like hysteria that last for days.. so i am thinking i should be fine till i see her in the coffin.. after that i have no idea.. i do NOT handle death well at all.. at least my last relative came to me as a ghost.. but i also felt her death.. she died at like 3:03 and i woke up from a dream where i was in her room and i just stopped breathing peacefully and i could see how the room was laid out etc.. woke up gasping then a few hours later heard about her death.. i went to her house and her room had been arranged exactly to how my dream was which was totally different than any other time i had seen it.. to freaking feel yourself stop breathing and leave your body was the scariest thing i have ever felt/dreamed.. i am upset that i didnt see this coming with my grandmother.. but like i have told everyone.. my psychic senses have been scattered everywhere.. but i knew when my other friend died.. i dunno.. i just need to surf the web now and not think or stress..

please remember these things as they will help you (me) in the long run..



caffeine does not work on you



you need to make sure you ADD meds are all filled up before you try to even think..



eating too much pizza is a bad thing



kill hubby next time he wakes you up after two hours sleep..



don't have s*x in the middle of the day.. this makes ruffie tired..



do not even try to understand hubby when he is asking you how you want your website put together..



studying astrology and no sleep dont go together.. at least the part about aspects..



thinking takes awhile.. must put bullitin up to say i am stupid give me
an hour to get back with you if you ask me something.. simple..



make sure you have rest for when you get mad and want to hit hubby..
doing while tired is more pathetic than the fact that you are 110lbs
and 5'7 trying to beat on a 6'6  and 200lbs person.. he will likely
hold you away from him and laugh..



sugar does not help..



must not close eyes for longer than a blink or you will tip over..



must not try to hold a conversation since everything you read will be
backwards and you will look like an idiot when you ask a question on
what they are saying and your question is exactly what they told you..



documentaries are not good when tired..



next time i am depressed i should sleep then and wake up late instead
of waiting it out and wanting to go to bed 6 hours earlier than usual..



dont attempt to piece together a poem you emailed your self with text
messages in your depth of depression.. it made sense then.. could make
sense now but you will never know it till you arent tired..



marilyn manson will only relax you.. it you want to stay awake listen to system of a down or blink 182



screw it.. i am takin a nap.. hopefully i will be back on in an hour..
yeah right.. i dont take naps.. if i am down i am down for the count..
oh well i have to do something..

well i have noticed a pattern.. i go 2-3 days with like 2-4 hours sleep
if that a night.. then i have one day with like 8-12 hours sleep then
it all starts over again.. very inconvenient.. anyways i wake up to jay
forgetting to wake me up to get the phone i sold ready to ship.. then i
get a text after awhile of sleeping that he isn't getting the xmas gift
card this year from walgreens which was going to go towards our present
fund but it will be ok.. i will have enough money.. but the reason??
they have opened their 6000'th store and its getting to expensive..
WTF?? grrr.. then i fall asleep and wake up to jays call on his lunch
break and i find out that half of my present i was waiting for that i
need to make my bestfriends present is ruined.. i have to like find
another place which i have no idea what i can do about that..  so her
present will not be ready for saturday when i go up to her town to be
in the xmas parade.. and i dunno if i will see her again before xmas..
grr.. and i have a sore throat.. and i was sick last night.. go grrr..
i was so mad yesterday because i dragged jay to gallatin to get the
prize we won at this car dealership and it was only a gift card which i
am not surprised but i havent checked to see how much is on it because
it can be up to like 2,500 which would kick ass.. but i wanted to stop
by the old time pottery store because they are having a sale  on these
plate/bowls/cups/salad plate set for like half price so i could get two
sets and finally have a set for 8 that match since my dishes are all
like different etc.. yeah this matters to me lol.. anyways i go to the
store and the sale doesn't start till the next day.. what is messed up
is that i got this flyer in the mail and i always only  have like two
days left till the sale  is over.. aparently this one was sent early
enough to where it got to me unusually early to where i was too early..
so now i gotta hit them up on the last day and hope they have them
ugh..



but there is a GOOD point.. i was writing last night which i had not
made time for in forever which i should know by now that if i don't
write every so often i get way too stressed out.. so i only got a few
pages into it and it relaxed me good enough to sleep.. maybe that is
all i need for my insomnia lol.. that and i don't feel scattered.. i am
annoyed at the whole day but not totally stressed..



lol i just realized that my oral surgeon looks like michael bolton.. hmm.. no my dentist looked a LOT better =)



lol i just checked my balance on the gift card.. 5 DOLLARS.. i had joked about it being that amount..



hmm jim on the office is way too cute.. i hope they don't ruin with him
and pam getting together.. but then again they would have to have the
writers go off strike to where they could actually make new episodes..



jay freaking knows what he is getting for xmas.. the website.. i had to
tell him since he was trying to get the money a different way.. he said
i can have a page on there.. but i think i would take up too much
room.. i am used to having my own one with a million different pages on
it but ugh he knows now.. ah well..



i still have no idea when my family is getting together.. jay has to
work all the time because of the holidays so getting every one together
may not be possible.. ah well i need to get things done.. LIKE
STUDYING.. i don't feel like getting another letter in the mail
******* me out about not sending in anything haha



on an annoying note some one i denied friends with on one of my online
journals some how can see all my entries.. even the friends only.. and
well that is where i keep everything personal on since all my other
places has friends on there that i have known less or dont have
screening to where you can make them friends only which is why i never
really put anything on those.. so of course i am pissed because i don't
know who this person is.. and worst she is getting pissy with me
thinking i am doing this to torture her and says that she is moving
into my area come valentines day and if its not fixed by then she will
see me and get it fixed.. umm.. am i the only one that seems to think
that is some weird threat?? if the journal place cant fix it how do i??
and uhhh.. i dont want her freaking moving near me.. i have had way too
many stalkers.in my life..

Tags: Xmas Stalker Writing

wake up feeling better after 12 hours sleep (sleep won last night) and then i go to wash my face and i throw my back out.. grr..

Tags: Fibro

i am having a irritating moment.. i am not quite sure what to do about
it either.. i didnt sleep but 2-4 hours today but i havent been
sleeping right lately anyways so i am tired (but my awake time is all
night and i sleep during the day) i want to sleep now but it wont help
me i will just wake up early and i will not be able to sleep tomorrow
and i will be worse off than i am now..



my asthma is HORRIBLE right now and i am coughing from it which is
making my stomach upset and i am afraid my new inhaler will be out in a
few days since i am having to use it every five minutes.. the only
thing that seems to help is sinus meds because i think i am getting a
sinus infection because i have been having those skull splitting
headaches that i have to take excederine extra strength AND excederine
sinus headache and then i get A LITTLE relief but that is also better
when i take the sinus meds..



why have i not taken them you might ask?? because i hurt.. and i hurt
bad.. and if i take the sinus meds i will not be able to take anything
for the pain (i prob could but i am not in the mood to risk it)



so  do i choose no pain?? or breathing with no headache?? my knee is
killing me with pain i have never felt before and i go to move my leg
and my hip dislocates.. i cannot sit up because i am in too much pain
so i am kind of propped up with pillows in bed with my laptop and even
with these being comfy i am wanting to scream.. i keep getting these
horrid cramps since before my period that literly make me scream and
bend over with them that for some reason has been haunting me..



i know i need to stay up all night to keep my hours straight.. but i am
in so much pain i just want to sleep.. if i dont sleep i will need
something for pain but i will be coughing and sniffling because i need
something for that.. and worse of all



i have about 20 bottles of various pain pills and none of them really
work but once in a great while and i have no idea which one to even
choose anymore.. no matter what pain pill i will be on i need to be
able to take excederine for my headache..



i just want to rip my skin off and curl up and die.. wait not curl up.. curling up would hurt too much..



god i am just so freaking frustrated that i cannot concentrate on
anything i need to get done.. i am pretty much just half way laying
here trying to not cry and trying to figure out what to do and what i
CAN do.. my ADD is out of control to where nothing amuses me..



i am just completely miserable.. that is all there is to it.. its going to be a long day/night..



ah my body chooses pain pills.. who needs to breathe anyways?? sigh.. lets hope i pick the right one.

http://www.ptctalk.com/index.php

http://www.ptr-police.com/

 

and i have noticed that the sites billo bucks and bg emails seem to be going under.. i signed up under billo one day the next day the site disapears.. i go to bg and click ads then the week after wards there weren't any ads and i wrote them and they said for me to go to a chat room but there is no chat room so i dunno what they are smoking but i am not wasting my time with them 

Tags: Money Paid Email Scams