|
Viewing 19 - 27 out of 40 Blogs.
Betty's words to bring a smile at least for awhile.
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender. Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little shit, O'Conner,' says Sean,'He couldn't do that to you,He must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had,And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself,Didn't you have something in your hand?'
'That I did,' said Paddy. 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast,And a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.'
========================
An Irishman who had a little too much to drinkis driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car's weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
'So,' says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've hadQuite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a s mile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straightand folding his arms across his chest,
'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk.'For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
============================================
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda.There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.' ' I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
'How did it happen, Tim?'
'It was terrible, Brenda.He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.'
'Oh dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth,
Did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'
==========================================================Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Gradyafter his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible.Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary? '
She say s, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' '
=========================================================================== =========
AND THE BEST FOR LAST< /U>
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few timesto get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles,'ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!
Don't get too big for your britches, your sure to be exposed in the end......
The reason it is so difficult to make ends meet is because someone is always moving the ends.
The easiest way to get into trouble is to be right at the wrong time..
A problem well stated is a problem half solved....
If you could kick the person responsible for most of your troubles in the backside, you wouldn't be able to sit down for two weeks..
The only people with whom you should try and get even are those who have helped you.
If your going to give someone a piece of your mind be sure you can spare it......
There are two things you generally don't want to watch being made-----One is sausages and the other is laws......
We hope this day brings smile your way, thanks for stopping by and have a nice day. BettyBoop alias Betty M
Tags: Paddy Humor Jokes Words Of Wisdom
Funny man...we all laughed and now every other word has to be blipped....It's going to be a nice day....everyone have fun! ----RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas .
3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric
bread maker. She said 'There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!' .. So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me 'In the lake.'
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling 'Am I too late
for the garbage?' .... The driver said 'No, jump in!'
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked 'What's on the TV?'
I said 'Dust!'
Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it.........this is the good old days
when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word........ just clean and simple fun
Tags: Red Skelton Humor Laugh
Fun Quotes for our reflection and maybe just a little direction
Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of the rot....
I am not young enough to know everything.
Remember; you are not all that important, your responsibilities are..
Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become character. Watch you character; it becomes your destiny......
A test of good manners is to be able to put up pleasantly with bad ones.
There is a big gap between advice and help....
Flattery should be treated like chewing gum--enjoy it for a short while, don't swallow it.
Memory is something that makes you aware of what you forgot to do.
Nature didn't make us perfect but at least she had the kindness to make us blind to our faults............:)
Nearly everyone of us is an umpire at heart, we love to call balls and strikes on everyone else.
Unless people have the talent to make something of themselves, freedom is an irksome burden.
Two quick ways to disaster are to take nobody's advice and to take everybody's advice.
So with these words I leave you for today. Hope it brought some smiles your way......BB
Tags: Reflection Humor Self Evaluation
Thoughts for this Friday
Betty loves to read these quots. The thoughts and opinions of greater and wiser persons than she.
Everyone is a prisoner of his own experiences.
An exaggeration is a truth that has lost its temper.
Those who think its is permissible to tell white lies soon become color-blind.
The best way I know of to win an argument is to start by being in the right.
We seldom think of what we have but always of what we lack.
Don't ever get so busy you don't have time to think.
A wise man learns from the mistakes of others. No one lives long enough to make them all themself.....
The liar's punishment is not that he's not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else.
Here is one I do so love, if more of us did more of this there would be a much kinder & loving people. Maybe less children killing children in our schools. Less Murder and Mayhem.
"Do more than belong, participate.
Do more than care, belong.
Do more than believe, practice.
Do more that be fair, be kind.
Do more than forgive, forget.
Do more than dream, WORK.
And so with that said, to work I go, money at the end of the day I will show.
Have a nice week end
A stroll down memory lane.......
45 rpm spindles
Green Stamps
Metal ice cubes trays with levers
Beanie and Cecil
Roller-skate keys
Cork pop guns
Marlin Perkins
Drive in Movies
Drive in restaurants
Car Hops
Studebakers
Topo Gigio
Washtub wringers
The Fuller Brush Man
Sky King
Reel-To-Reel tape recorders
Tinkertoys
Erector Sets
Lincoln Logs
15 cent McDonald hamburgers
5 cent packs of baseball cards
Penny candy
25 cent a gallon gasoline
Jiffy Pop popcorn
5 cent stamps
Gum wrapper chains
Chatty Cathy dolls
5 cent Cokes
Speedy Alka-Seltzer
Cigarettes for Christmas
Falstaff Beer
Burma Shave signs
Brownie camera
Flash bulbs
TV Test patterns
Old Yeller
Chef Boy-AR-dee
Fire escape tubes
Timmy and Lassie
Ding Dong Avon calling
Brylcreem
Aluminum Christmas Trees
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!
Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their 'grown-up' life .
> Rules of Utah, Idaho, Wyoming, and the Wild West are as follows:
>
> 1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
>
> 2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.
>
> 3. Let's get this straight: it's called a "gravel road." I drive a
> pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're
> gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
>
> 4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like
> money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-80 goes east and west,
> I-15 goes north and south. Pick one.
>
> 5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000
> combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
>
> 6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly.
> Try to understand the concept.
>
> 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves
> are comin' in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outa your hand.
> You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
>
> 8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi
> and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
>
> 9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
> religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
>
> 10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.
>
> 11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak, or
> you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and
> turkey.
>
> 12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats,
> vegetables, and breads We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup!
> Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that
> stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
>
> 13. You bring "Coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served
> over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute,
> know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
>
> 14. College and High School Football is as important here as the
> Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
>
> 15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it
> spooks the fish.
>
> 16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities ,
> Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education
> plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when
> they come home for the holidays.
>
> 17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines than
> all of you put together, so don't mess with us. If you do, you'll get
> whipped by the best.
>
> 18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't
> music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see
> your boxers! Refer back to #1!
>
>
Tags: Humor
 Back to Betty's Blog
Betty's words of wisdom and a little Humor.
Tuesday, Feb 12, 2008
I love to write great words of wisdom mostly authors unknown. As our life maneuvers through all the pit falls we are challenged with, I know if at least once a day I can smile all will be bearable. So in writing this I hope I can make a few that read it smile and make their day just a little brighter. So here is Betty’s word of wisdom for today.
“Use soft words and hard arguments.†“If you stand up and be counted, from time to time you may even get yourself knocked down. But remember this: Someone flattened by an opponent can get up. Someone flattened by conformity stays down for good.†“Courage is the Power to let go of the familiar.†When you save for a long time to buy something, find you can’t afford it---That’s inflation!†Drive-up banks were established so the REAL owners of our cars could get to see them once in awhile. “The mind is like a stomach, it is not how much you put into it that counts, but how much it digests.†Money is a terrible master, but an excellent servant. Good supervisors at any level, never ignore suggestions. “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.†“Hamlet is the tragedy of tackling a family problem too soon after college.†“A wise person checks their resources and sources of information to be certain they are correct before hoping to make intelligent decisions.†“A good marriage is the union of two forgivers.†When you’re in a bank, be a little suspicious if the guy ahead of you asks how to spell “stickup.†Horse sense is what keeps horses from betting on what people will do…………. Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark
1. Don't miss the boat.
2. Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.?
4. Stay fit When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
5. Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
6. Build your future on high ground.
7. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8. Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
9. When you're stressed, float a while.
10. Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
11. No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
So I hope this brings a smile and a lighter heart to this day. Thanks for stopping by to say hello.....
sent by a dear friend..
Do you know the legend of the Cherokee Indian
youth's rite of passage?
His father takes him into the forest,
blindfolds him and leaves him alone.
He is required to sit on a stump the whole
night and not remove the blindfold until the
rays of the morning sun shine through it.
He cannot cry out for help to anyone.
Once he survives the night, he is a MAN.
He cannot tell the other boys of this
experience because each lad must come
into manhood on his own.
The boy is naturally terrified. He can hear
all kinds of noises. Wild beasts must surely
be all around him. Maybe even some human
might do him harm. The wind blew the grass
and earth, and shook his stump, but he sat
stoically, never removing the blindfold.
It would be the only way he
could become a man!
Finally, after a horrific night, the sun
appeared and he removed his blindfold.
It was then that he discovered his
father sitting on the stump next to him.
He had been at watch the entire night,
protecting his son from harm.
We, too, are never alone.
Even when we don't know it,
our Heavenly Father is watching over us,
sitting on the stump beside us.
When trouble comes, all we have
to do is reach out to Him.
If you liked this story, pass it on.
If not, perhaps you took off your
blindfold before dawn.
Moral of the Story:
Just because you can't see God,
doesn't mean He is not there
"For we walk by faith, not by sight."
~ 2 Corinthians 5:7 ~
Tags: Stories Love Jesus Belief
A group of graduates, well established in their careers, were talking at a reunion and decided to go visit their old university professor, now retired. During their visit, the conversation turned to complaints about stress in their work and lives. Offering his guests hot chocolate, the professor went into the kitchen and returned with a large pot of hot chocolate and an assortment of cups- porcelain, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the hot When they all had a cup of hot chocolate in hand, the professor said: "Notice that all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. The cup that you're drinking from adds nothing to the quality of the hot Chocolate. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was hot Chocolate, not the cup; but you consciously went for the best cups ...And then you began eyeing each others cups. Now consider this: Life is the hot chocolate; your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life. The cup you have does not define, nor change the quality of life you have. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the hot chocolate The Creator has provided us. The Creator makes the hot chocolate, humankind chooses the cups. The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything that they have. So...live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. And enjoy your Hot Chocolate!
Tags: Comfort Personality Ego
|
