sigh.. where to begin?? well i stayed up even though i was headed to bed before i heard about my grandmother.. anyways i was staying up and we found out if jay could go on leave from work and my mom had promised me that as soon as she heard from this guy that supposively has power of attorny.. that was the last i heard at like 8:30 so i stay up till i had to take a nap for like 15 mins before the phone fixer dude came to fix my phone and i look at the time and i call my parents and no answer.. i call again no answer.. i call my moms cell and they are already on their way to my grandmothers without flippin telling me!! so i got pissed because i have to follow them there cuz i dont know how to get there.. and jay had to go to work within 45 minutes so obviously he had to know if he was going in or not.. and she had gotten ahold of the guy and he wasnt the power of attorny and the morgue had shipped the body to the local funeral home and they were wanting to know what to do with her.. my mom is a strong woman but she does NOT handle stress at all (where i got my probs from) so she was hoping it would just be me, her and my dad to go up there but my bro decided to get time off and take them and take over everything.. he is one that even if the situation has nothing to do with him he comes in and starts taking over crap and my mom lets him because then she doesnt have to stress as much and he wont let us talk to her to find out anything!! and if he went i cant go cuz of that horrible close call earlier this year with him going 90mph and almost slamming into a car on the road while not having his glasses on when he is blind as a bat (because god healed him so he doesnt need them.. my ass) and listening to his walkman... to avoid hitting the car we skidded off the road.. i was in the car and jay is like hell no you are not getting into the car with him again.. this is like the only thing jay has ever said he didnt want me to do so i am gonna actually obey that one since well.. one request in 9 years isnt bad =P anyways so i obviously couldnt go and then they decide to stay up there a week so that rules me out since i am running out of meds and well i just cant.. so that screwed me and her not even telling me that they were leaving to where we couldnt follow them screwed me and then they have the nerve to tell me i shouldnt even be irritated because i have no reason to be because i shouldnt care if i was included or not.. wtf.. i am always being told i am a psycho whenever i get freakin offended.. i am so sick of it.. anyways they are being COMPLETELY STUPID because they are assuming that she doesnt have a will and are going up there with no keys and going to break into her house and start looking for like documents and get her outfit etc.. WELL i have been told my whole life that she DID have a will and that it left everything to a relative (he's dead now though) and nothing to my dad even though he is an only child.. because she hates my dad.. at least that is what i have always been told.. hate your grandmother because she treats your dad horrid and is like mental etc.. ok she is freakin nutz.. and yeah she treated my dad like crap growing up but she hasnt done anything TO ME.. but i have been raised to hate her etc my whole life.. the last two years i have actually gotten to know her more since i was sick of not knowing my dads side of the family and i also contacted an aunt and uncle.. my aunt being some one i was not allowed to see because she was a witch.. hmm.. my dad, mom, and grandmother used to be witches.. but they became christians so they didnt want me near her.. well i have gotten to known her too and so i found out they arent horrible like my family says since my family claims that they would have get togethers and never invite them blah blah blah.. well i dont know if that is true or not but did my family make an effort on their side??? no.. and again this has nothing to do with ME.. so my grandmother decided i was her fav since i actually cared about the family and she has always liked me anyways so we bonded the last visit i had with her which my parents tried to ruin.. gr.. anyways my parents think that nothing would be left to my dad because he was the child she never wanted etc.. he didnt become what she wanted etc.. whether any of this is true i have no idea.. WELL.. i point out that she has a will and they are like saying i am lying.. umm.. no.. i have heard this all my freakin life!! so i know there is a freaking will some where up there and if she didnt leave anything to my dad and they go and break in up there and start going through her crap and the will is ever discovered they will look like they are stealing which is what my grandmother has accused my dad of before.. so um.. that is SO smart.. but again i am insane and have no idea of what i am talking about.. then i have always been told how my dads family are vulchures and whenever anyone dies they all run and start looting the place.. my bro and mom have said within this year that when she died they were gonna go up and change the locks so their relatives cant go take everything.. well i ask them if they were going up to stay there soon (this is before they didnt know anything besides the fact that she was dead)to protect her property and they accuse me of lying about that!! oh no they would never loot blah blah blah.. so aparently i am this pathalogical liar that is over emo and freakin insane.. ok i will give them over emo but i am an empath so i am gonna have extra emotions for everything.. and i am bipolar so i am crazy lol jk.. but i am not making up this crap!! so anyways they went up there with my moms cell and its battery died.. my other bro calls me freaking out because he knows less than me and he tohught my bro quit his job to go because my mom told him to just go to work because she knew i cant go with hima nd she wanted me to go.. and my bro has a habit of just quiting jobs for the hell of it and he pays half the mortgage etc and when he loses a job he waits MONTHS before he even looks.. so he is like in collections and living off of everyone else etc.. but he hadnt.. anyways my family is staying at a hotel which obviously means that they arent in the house.. and they assume she hasnt made any arrangements on where to be buried or etc.. well she has told my mom where she wanted to be buried and i know this because my mom was saying how she didnt know where it was etc.. but i imagined that too.. grrr.. so this is how i feel.. i am pissed (as pissed as some one can really be with their emotions all screwed to hell and not much sleep) at being left behind and my bro taking over.. pissed because my whole family is not caring at ALL what she wanted etc.. she wouldnt talk about dying but i know she had made plans and no one is even trying to find out if she did!! and like i said.. what if some one else is suppose to inherit everything?? my parents are up there just going through everything.. well i guess its a good thing i am not up there to have my finger prints on it lol.. my grandmother was close to my witch aunt so she could possible inherit everything.. oh and get this.. my family just *happen* to lose my witch aunts phone number and i lost it because my phone fried so she isnt going to be contacted.. i think they are only going to tell one person anyways which is crappy.. they always hated how they never knew when people died till two weeks later and they are doign the exact same thing.. in their minds they are the only ones that have any right to any of her things or to even be there.. so this is gonna put a strain on me and my relatives since they are gonna wanna know why i didnt tell them about it.. another thing is we know she is highly in debt which means they wont get any money out of the house once it sells.. my bro that is freakin isnt even going to go to the funeral!! he is the suposive perfect child that got me disowned as a teen and he isnt even going to the funeral.. he hasnt even seen her inlike 5 years.. umm.. ugh.. i am not even going to go further on that one..

so this whole thing is driving me nutz.. now jay has tomorrow off and i cant even get directions up there (unless i go by the web) and they would be to her house but if they arent there then what?? and they are not taking any ones phone calls and not calling anyone because my freakin controlling idiot brother has the phone.. the funeral is thurs and that is all i know.. i dont even know where.. and i have no idea if anyone from my family is coming back to where i can follow them up there..

the only good thing about this chaos is that its keeping my mind off the fact that yes she is dead.. i can just focus my attention at wanting to kick my family in the butt for their stupidity..

so in short.. i have been left out of everything.. dunno how to even get to her funeral because no one gives a crap about me since i am supposively lying about her wishes and telling them they shouldnt break the law.. my parents are going against everything she wants because the sooner she is in the ground the end of her is.. and my dad is happy as hell he is rid of her.. hell i think i am the only one that is upset she is dead..

i am just waiting for me to fall apart again.. although all of you guys have been great to me with all your comments and emails.. i hope to thank all of you guys individually but i dont know if i will be able to since so many of you guys responded and i have no idea what the next couple of days hold for me.. and i have a great ability to fall apart.. then be ok.. then fall completely apart into like hysteria that last for days.. so i am thinking i should be fine till i see her in the coffin.. after that i have no idea.. i do NOT handle death well at all.. at least my last relative came to me as a ghost.. but i also felt her death.. she died at like 3:03 and i woke up from a dream where i was in her room and i just stopped breathing peacefully and i could see how the room was laid out etc.. woke up gasping then a few hours later heard about her death.. i went to her house and her room had been arranged exactly to how my dream was which was totally different than any other time i had seen it.. to freaking feel yourself stop breathing and leave your body was the scariest thing i have ever felt/dreamed.. i am upset that i didnt see this coming with my grandmother.. but like i have told everyone.. my psychic senses have been scattered everywhere.. but i knew when my other friend died.. i dunno.. i just need to surf the web now and not think or stress..