well it SUCKED... the reason?? well for one when i got there it was all of ten minutes before i find out that my aunt and cousin are gonna show up... if you know me or have read my blog long you know that i do not like my aunt very much... when my brother told all kinds of lies about me and got me disowned she just followed along and didn't even try to give me a chance... i grew up in Florida and was away from all extended family then we move up here when i was 14 and my mom tries to get my aunt involved in everything... at that time it was obvious she didn't want to hang out with  my mom but just did it to be nice... i was disappointed since i was always told that if we lived in the same state it would be fun etc.. so that didn't get me to liking her much.. she and her family always acted like they were slumming it or something when they came over.. anyways fast forward to like 2003-4 and every single freakin family thing we have she is there.. i would have to pay for myself and they would pay for her to come.. and of course now that my family had more money and was paying her way to go out to eat etc she all of a sudden wants to have something to do with my family.. my dad really likes my aunt and he is an only child so he wants her everywhere.. so you cant have any kind of birthday or freaking holiday without her coming.. now i understand that she could/should be invited to some of these things but when you have been told that you cant invite other people because it was just going to be family and that being listed as you and your family and hubby then i think i have the right to get upset when she shows up especially when they go out of their way to pay for her.. when she comes there is no hanging out and relaxing because all of my family is absorbed in making her happy that all of a sudden even my birthday party is like all about her.. so i wasn't happy when i heard that she was crashing xmas because of that AND the fact that the family agreed that we wouldn't buy them gifts and vice versa because some of us didn't have the money.. and they know i don't want to have no gifts for the people and then have to have them watch you give others gifts etc.. anyways.. i go straight to my mom and ask her why she was coming and that i didn't want her there.. this xmas has been screwed up enough because no one had it on the right day and with my grandmother dying etc every one was not in the mood etc so i was hoping that this would some how turn out good so i can think back on it and not remember it being so slap happy and chaotic.. well my dad is the one that invited her so i was stuck.. so then of course they were getting things ready because she was coming over.. my dad spent like an hour at the door watching to see when she was coming (she is NEVER on time) i got to talk to my mom some and i thought everything was going to be ok then they showed up.. everyone was talking to them and not to me.. i would try to enter in convo but then they would start talking about god and church etc to where i wouldn't have anything to say.. i don't know if this is how they are trying to get me to go back to their religion in some sick way of acting like if i wanna be with them and have something to talk about i have to convert or what so i just ignored and it was time to eat.. we eat and everything is fine during then.. my mom had talked to my aunt because she had found some long lost video that had an old movies of the family from back like 40 plus years ago that had been transfered to regular vhs.. and that they were going to watch them.. i was disappointed because i was hoping we would do something more fun but i figured that how long can this video really be?? so i am ok with it.. well my dad wanting to show off or something decided that they were going to watch a video of his christian colleges play.. it had nothing to do with anything about xmas and he has had it forever but we were going to watch it period.. i stay in the kitchen and talk to whomever is in there.. the kitchen is a part of the living room so its not like i left the room but the sound quality was so bad he cranked it up and any singing or music part blared out loud to where you would have to freakin cover your ears.. so for TWO HOURS i had to listen to people singing christian music BADLY and talking about how isreal is so important and they are chosen etc etc.. then there was the jewish dancing.. same routines i have done when i was on the team.. anyways anyone that has known me for awhile or read my blog for awhile knows that i have post traumatic stress disorder from the way i was raised because my parents like mentally screwed me up with religion.. if i breathed wrong i was going to hell.. every new years eve my family would make me sit and wait for god to beam us up because the world was going to end.. the police are all after us because the government is going to have concentration camps for christians etc.. i mean this is like 1% of the stuff i had to go through.. not to mention a paranoid bipolar father that would be abusive at the drop of a hat and go into a rage.. when i was a teen and they thought i was getting too worldly.. (i had made friends and was dating.. every time i made friends i was getting too worldly because i should only interact with family etc etc) they tried an exorcism on me.. so yeah i am JACKED up with religion and my childhood.. so here i am listening to church music and seeing dancing like i did when i was a part of the dance team at this christian college that my dad ran and i am like having total flash backs.. every thing that had ever been done to be in that time period which sadly was the happier of my life was a time that i was terrorized for my role in being a leader in things there and remembering the abuse to my friends i had witnessed.. and of course the crap load of freaking brain washing that was there since we lived on the campus that had the school.. (the retreat had a hotel.. apartments.. trailers.. duplexes.. a huge church that had balcony and could  hold a thousand or two people.. a resteraunt.. a conference center.. camp ground.. then there was like pools, canoing, basketball, tennis, playground etc etc you get the idea.. didn't even use cars because you could walk to all of this and we had a golf cart) so it was pretty much a cult i grew up in and although it was a happier part of my life because i was very active in everything and a leader in things and could run around and do whatever i wanted etc.. BUT my parents freakin told me of everything bad that was going on too.. i knew that the pastor of the church was having sex with everyone.. i knew what happened when this guy molested a few kids.. i knew who had a drug problem.. who had aids.. who was gay (that they were "fixing and curing with god" mind you) i knew EVERYTHING.. so i had to go day in and day out faking that i respected and stood behind the people i knew all their dirty little secrets and well.. it makes you resent the people and hate anything that comes  out of their mouths.. anyways visions and memories of abuse.. brain washing etc just flooded me and i tried to ignore this blaring for over two hours.. that was pure torture and trying to hold it together was horrid but i made it.. and then they decide to do gifts and i thought they were going to wait till after my aunt left.. nope.. so we hand out gifts and there weren't enough chairs or room to sit on the floor unless you sat behind the chairs and so i was opening presents and yelling thank you to people and they couldn't hear me.. everyone was talking to everyone else and literally forgot about me.. i just ended up sitting there thinking ok eventually they will  turn around and talk to me and i will get to say thank you etc.. mind you i do not feel good and have a horrid headache so moving around was making me sick and standing and sitting were excruciating pain so i just sat there.. finally they asked me about mine and of course my aunt and cousin bought me things.. and i had nothing for them.. we are debt free but since we became that way in august we have had at least 100 plus bucks in unexpected bills hit us every single month till november which was 400 out of no where.. so there was no money for gifts other than the immediate family.. so that made me feel crappy.. then i was like ok now presents are over they will prob play the few minutes of the home videos and then we will get to do something else and i can put a chair in front of the tv to sit in so i can be a part of the group.. well they decided that they were going to show my aunt a xmas program they did at their church last sunday.. which again led to talk about their religion and this wouldnt be that much of an issue at all BUT THEY SPEND LIKE SEVERAL DAYS A WEEK WITH EACHOTHER.. there is no reason why they have to ignore me and talk about everything that i cannot talk about while i am there.. they were even planning on what they were going to do plan wise for stuff for church that sunday.. like i said i understand that the church and everything is important to them.. every time i visit half my visit is nothing but talk about their church etc and i try to talk about it with them but then i get remarks made towards me that i shouldnt have an opinion since i dont believe the same way.. well then dont flippin talk about it in front of me or pull people aside for 30 mins at a time to plan something for the church to where i am left in a room alone for a half hour the once every two months i get to come down.. and since i knew the new video would be at least an hour and a half if not more and it was already getting later than i usually stay over there (i always leave early because if i am having to drive i dont want to get tired out since driving drains me for some reason or because jay has to drive nad he cannot drive in the dark since he had night blindness.. so it was way past when i usually leave so when they started the tape and started to ignore me i just was like ok i am going home.. so i left there.. feeling totally screwed up.. totally ignored.. my mom even told me that if i was a christian then i would like xmas.. umm.. no.. i am against the commercialization of it.. the part that people max out their credit cards then never pay them off year after year.. the part that people just wanna see what all they can get etc etc.. and i HATE xmas music lol.. and well once you take out the music and presents there isnt much left and what is left is just normal hanging out that i would do at any time.. so that is how i feel about xmas.. nothing to do with religion.. i mean yeah i dont like how everyone makes it to where you feel like christianity is like so demanding or the opposite which is the commercialization but whatever.. i always go and do everything with them and that i have done all my life.. i never demand that anything is altered or anything its just not a major holiday to me.. but going there hoping that this would make it as xmas goes or that it would at least make me feel that xmas had actually happened was shattered.. i was about in tears from all the flash backs i was having and i had to drive home.. by the time i got home i just headed straight to bed thinking that if i slept i would be able to at least stop all the memories that were flooding me.. and the fact of how i was treated.. that is why i didnt blog this on friday night.. i didnt want to think aabout it.. i dont want to think about it now but everyone was asking how it went so i just wanted to state it once adn then hopefully forget that anything ever happened.. so i cant wait for this year to be over.. it has been good to us as far as the money part goes (debt free) even thoguh we have had so many unexpected things that cost out the butt happen.. every holiday has been miserable because of either jay working or my brother starting things (which he was on good behaviour) or my aunt crashing.. she ruined my birthday.. thanksgiving was chaotic.. halloween jay worked and shawna fell asleep (not mad just stating shawna lol) all those bbq weekends holidays my bro was an A** and totally had fits during it.. jays bday we didnt do the renaissance fair which we have done for years now.. new years is gonna be ruined because i will be all alone literally.. 2 friends died.. my grandmother died and screwed my family out of everything.. i could go on and on for ever on this.. but i will state that when i do visit my family without a holiday i do get treated well and everything goes perfect.. just throw my aunt it and it goes all to hell.. not to mention i was in the hospital twice in one month.. jay 2 times this year and is having serious health probs and because of it being the holidays our doc is mia.. but in the last year i also wrote both books.. so i have no idea if 07 was a good thing or what..

so i have been super depressed the last couple of days.. and so has jay over his health.. i cannot stress how worried i am about his health since i am used to him being the healthy one.. but at least all the areas he is having problems i have pretty much had in the past so i will be able to understand what he is going through and test etc.. just don't wish any of my health probs on anyone.. anyways i am so behind in my online things and i was working on shawnas gift (me and her haven't had xmas so i didn't have to rush to make it which was a godsend compared to all the crap i have been dealing with) and then i realize ONE piece is missing.. a piece i HAVE to have.. sigh.. and i have been sleeping good.. so good i don't want to wake up.. but anyways i have to get busy..